It was the statement by Bustamente which certified it for us. When he threatened to punch out Arnold, we knew that Democrats in California are certifiable.  We can see the movie.  Patricia Neal takes a swing at Gort’s titaniium kneecaps and breaks her knuckles.  The metal visor slowly slides up and the single electric eye becomes a pulsating laser which darts over Neal’s head and bounces against the side of a passing 1966 Caddy convertible.  Into the sixteen coats of pink paint the following legend is burned: 

Hasta la vista, Bustamente!

Arnold is Joe Camel driving an SUV.  When he steps on the gas, Oklahoma, Texas and Pennsylvania are sucked deep underground.  Near the Alhambra exit, the SUV spots a fleet of migrating Yugos heading for their ancestral spawning grounds, a USDA food stamp office where they were planning to vote for the only candidate endorsed by La Raza.  With a chrome grill bar grin as fierce as a charging cheetah, the SUV leaps into the air and mashes them all into pre-packaged proletarian pasta porridge.

To the north, but not too far north, the atmosphere sparkles with contention as the denizens of Silicon Valley teeter between loyalty to the principles of Marx and those of Laffer.  On one hand, there is the need for cheap servants, yard workers and fruit pickers since the Okies all moved into the middle class and bought golf clubs.  On the other hand, there is the echo of the IPO in the land.  Memories of capitalist startups dance in their dichotomized intellects.  Marin Country rocks left, then right, then back again.

Gray Davis stands on the stage with the greatest groper of all time, Bill Clinton, and castigates Arnold for the appearance of impropriety.  What is Gray’s actual motive?  Can it be that which is whispered in the underground tunnels in Sacramento?  Arnold entered America legally!  For shame.  For shame.

What, then, can be drawn from this explosive scenario?

It falls to the numbers.  The reports about Davis being a filthy-mouthed, arrogant office batterer didn't make it into the L.A. Times, so the voters of California will have to make their selection based on the Davis record.  This would be the impending collapse of the California economy, millions of illegal residents given driver’s licenses so they can vote, rolling power brownouts, bizarre new public school sex education rules, the elimination of the word “founding” from all history books which refer to the white, male, sexist, racist pigs who established freedom on the planet in eighteenth century North America – and his crowning achievement, which was to triple the cost of automobile registration in the state which worships the automobile. 

Judgement, thou has fled reason and common sense, for it is that last item which establishes the insane arrogance of California’s answer to yon Cassius.  Only a towering ignorance could stand in the freeway flipping off an oncoming eighteen wheeler.

This time, Dewey does defeat Truman. 

LL.

© 2003 Oregon Magazine