by Michael O'Brien -- Tillamook Headlight Herald Staff

What compelling times these are. Texas scientists have cloned a kitten and marketing experts are over the moon about it. Global commercial potential, they say, from reproducing beloved pets.   Genetic Savings and Clone (What could go wrong with a name like that?) is ready to offer dog and cat owners a way out of the massive sadness of saying goodbye to fond companions. They've invested $3.7 million dollars into the project.  Photo(s) from GS&C site
 

   Reaction to the commercially-directed cloning venture has been wildly varied. New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd forecast a "nightmarish vision of zombie calico clones creeping, limping and hissing down Pennsylvania Avenue toward the Justice Department." (Dowd reported that
John Ashcroft wants cats shooed out of his sight because they're signs of the devil.} Animal rights advocates are appalled, citing the fact that there are 113 million cats in the United States, 40 percent of them homeless. The potentially lucrative business is ripe with opportunity for amoral "clone merchants," looking to capitalize on people's grief. One thousand dollars will get you another lifetime with a reproduced Buffy or FiFi, and the initial cloning of "Rainbow" the cat into "c.c." (Carbon Copy) the kitten, has opened the doors wide to crooked clone corporations.

   Here's the problem, where it all starts to tilt: c.c the kitten doesn't look exactly like Rainbow, his past life polter-kitty. Hello? It occurs that precise duplication would be pretty much a lead selling point, at least if you want to get my $1,000 to provide me another lifetime with my insane Schnauzer, Roxy. 
   "Here's your Roxy, Mr. O'Brien." "But that's not a Schnauzer, that's a German Shepherd." "Aaah, but we're selling reproduction, not resurrection — that is definitely your Roxy." You see my point.
   If the Clone-Co salespeople can sell us the perception that the next incarnation of Gus the bloodhound will take the form of a dachshund, there should be no stopping them. They've explained away the design flaw by spewing some scientific babble-mumbo-jumbo about how
"color-containing cells separate and replicate differently during embryo-development — blah, blah,blah.

   Never mind that the animal that worked its way into your heart did so by the unique experiences you provided it in the time you were together. Will it still growl at your brother-in-law when it returns 60 pounds heavier and as a shorthair? Our relationships are so deep and singular with our pets, anyone that can promise an extension of that probably will draw many of us in. But I think I know what they're really up to.
   We've been learning about the possibility, or probability, that our government and our mainstream news media are in cahoots, duping the American people with mis-information to achieve some unknown ends that serve their "long-term, big-picture, bottom-line" needs on a "need to know
only basis." Our government and the mainstream media duping us? No kidding. 

   My hunch is that here are no clones. Finally, as a desperate measure, facing increased numbers of homeless pets with no hope, the Humane Society and animal activist allies are wagging the dog.  Having produced and created the cloned kitten, and the cleverly conceived fact that said duplicate
does not have to resemble old Rainbow to be Rainbow, expectations diminish. The bereaved pet owner becomes accepting of the fact that his tabby lives on as a Siamese. You can tell them anything at that point. And what better demographic for finding homes for abandoned or incarcerated pets? You have potential owners that clearly love their pets, enough to buy their way into another lifetime of companionship. Once they get their grateful new houseguest home, it's a good bet things will be just fine. Animal lovers are animal lovers.

   As for the liberated pets, if they could talk, they would tell you they'd dress like Ethel Merman and sing God Bless America, just for a chance at a good home. "You can call me Groucho, you can call me Al, just like the other one, I'll be your pal." Everybody wins. It's a brilliantly conceived idea they've come up with. At least I hope that's how it goes. Cloning pets seems mercenary and selfish with all those waiting to be adopted.
   So, rather than pay the $1,000 and go through the whole flim-flam of thinking you've received a re-animated best friend, why not save the money and head for the nearest agency that provides adoption of desperate and loving potential companions. They're waiting and hoping to fill the hole
if you've lost a pet. And they're grateful for the chance.

Michael O’Brien is sports editor at the Headlight-Herald.and a contributing editor at Oregon Magazine.  All photos except the cat(s) are links to either dog breed sites or the ASPCA.

© 2002  Tillamook Headlight Herald   Reprinted by permission