OMED: Michael O'Brien, once a star of classic Hollywood action films, now covers sports for the Tillamook Headlight Herald    (Photo: Publicity shot of Mike O'Brien during his days in Hollywood.) 

I've arrived at the conclusion that if your name somehow trickles on to the Internet, worse, with your profession alongside it, you'll soon be wooed by any number of new friends who want to change your life. And the life of those of whom you care most about. Despite my network carrier¹s assurance that the "spam" filters on my E-mail rival NASA's, my share of industry wisdom  and marketing opportunities just doesn't seem to wane.

Dear Sports Editor, or,  Hello Michael; (the latter somehow seems worse, like I had shared some time with the sender, during some forgotten stormy night somewhere) "We're hoping you're doing well, (again - why should they care?)  and, we're offering you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor with our incredible invention;" (items offered me tend to be loosely related to the sports world.)

Take for example, a recent game-changing gem for the golf world, "Visiball Golf Ball Finding Eyeglasses."

The glasses feature a "specially designed" lens that blocks foliage and grass from a player's field of view. At the same time, the lens intensifies the reflective nature of the golf ball, making it easier to find.  Jon Hodgins, president of Visiball USA said, "Visiball Golf Ball Finding Eyeglasses are not meant to be used as sunglasses, but once you¹ve put them on, your view of the course is changed dramatically, transforming the hopelessly lost shot into one that is easily found."

Blocks foliage and grass. What? Are they going to remove us from the scenic environment of, say, Elkhorn Valley, and have us suddenly finding ourselves in the middle of downtown Elko, Nev.? I'm not sure that is a game-enhancing feature. Perhaps a better idea would be to buy each of your neighbors a pair of these foilage removing lenses and never worry about mowing your lawn again.

No price was listed and I feared a visit to the web site, as such visits tend to directly relate to even stranger offers coming your way. But, the glasses were developed by "nuclear engineers," which assures me I'll never need more than one golf ball in my bag again.

My personal favorite in terms of available products is the "Sports Addicts Recovery Kit," marketed by Sportline.

The kit includes a self-adhesive patch, a handbook of testimonials from people who have "made it" through the program, a CD-Rom for PC and Macintosh, plus a special bonus supplement developed especially for golf fanatics. Golf, it seems, has a discouraging recidivism/relapse rate. Go figure. Probably because the golf addict has already invested in the Visiball lenses and never has a lost ball to dampen the day.

With March madness and baseball season, perhaps that special person in your life has bruised hips from going through stadium turnstiles or wears a hip-holster for the remote control, switching between sports channels  convulsively, this product may save your relationship.

What¹s in these patches? Chloroform? Sodium Pentathol? I don¹t wish to seem untoward, but I know guys who would need to be duct taped from head to toe with whatever medicine the patch offers, before being lured away from a lacrosse game on ESPN at 4:30 a.m.

The San Francisco based product development team Jupiter Group make no medical guarantees. "Obviously, we¹re not doctors, (they just play them in prison musicals), but the placebo effect cannot be completely ruled out should anyone take us seriously."

Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but anything is worth a try once a sports addict's life has become unmanageable. Assumedly, the patch will suddenly allow lawn mowers, garden tools and opera tickets to suddenly possess more allure than monster trucks and Seahawk games. Wives will be able to take Bruno's Sports Bar off of speed dial.

These products and more like them grace my computer at the sports desk on a regular basis. Some promise to change the world we live in with their brilliance and are worth sharing.

At least the products at work are more compelling, and much less embarrassing than the ones I get at home, where I am known in computer-land simply as a possible male. There, so many seem to care about my most personal undertakings - where did they come from? And how did my name get on their list? A guy could lose sleep if he ponders some of the things they're suggesting he needs.

Embracing modern technology, and its methods of easy communication certainly has its challenges.

© 2005 Michael O'Brien