(OMED: the internet is full of money-making opportunities, as the dot-coms recently proved.  This piece is in reference to a string of email offers received by the author (shown here in a recent photo), and to which he apparently responded in a favorable manner.  The article below came to us from an internet cafe in a town called "Mbotu," which is located in the northwest of the People's Democratic Republic of the Congo.  Below the main text, following the copyright statement, you will find a final note on the subject.)

        So many widows, so little time. Lately, I have been honored with the distinction of several trusting people from across the planet wanting to make me rich. Mostly unfortunate Nigerian widows.
        Their English is spotty, but the message is clear. Either a husband has left them unable to retrieve millions of dollars from a corrupt Nigerian banking system, or they are a government official, who has become a political prisoner and had funds seized. Either way, I'm the guy they want to go get it for them.

        And they aren't cheap mind you. One has offered me 20 percent of 38 million dollars and another, half of $32 million. I love my job, so it is with heavy heart that I must bid Tillamook County farewell, and rush off to seek my fortune through the generosity of both Mr. Precious dito Igwel (Credit and Accounts - Union Bank of Nigeria) and the good widow, Mrs. T Kobe (wife of the late General Max Kobe, who died in the Sierra Leone civil disturbance). 
        Mrs. Kobe reports that her three daughters and herself are trapped in the "obnoxious custom and perceived confusion with maltreatment." Whatever that means, it sounds dreadful.. She goes on to say that, "Myself is to be married by the General's immediate younger brother, who I do not known myself." How can a person hear these words and not want to come to her aid?

        One of the letters to me opens with: I AM MAKING THIS CONTACT BASED ON MY PRESUMED RELIANCE, AFTER GOING THROUGH A BRIEF PROFILE OF YOUR FINANCIAL PURSUITS, HERE AT THE GHANA INTERNATIONAL TRADE AFFAIRS COMMISSION. AS GOD HAS A WAY OF HELPING WHO IS IN A PROBLEM, I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE WELL AT THE END OF THE DAY WITH YOUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP.
        Quite a grabber isn't it?  Again, I'm not quite sure what they may have unearthed in my "financial pursuits" portfolio, but it is somewhat of a distinction, knowing an international trade commission has given me the green light.

        One of the inquiries said that it was "An honor to my assistance, upon our inquiring, there was much praying and fasting, considering we could not see you face to face." Again, I'm not real clear on that last sentence, but somehow, it moved me. 
        Another head scratcher was the statement, "Though it may look embarassing, reading from someone you don't know for the first time - I pray that our pleasure will be a thing of joy in the shortest possible time." Whatever it is they're trying to express, they sure seem like nice people.
        So, as it stands, these folks would like to use my name as next of kin. Whether the authorities would question my relation to someone named Mr. Precious dito Igwel or not, remains to be seen. But all I have to do, is give them my bank account number, so they can begin the transferal of funds, directly to my account. 

        There is the matter of some office fee, which requires my flying to Ghana with $1,000 to pay, and register my "family" under my name, but that seems chicken feed, when we're talking 20 percent of $38 million. I was also told, after contacting my "benefactors," that an additional $10,000 in cash, should be handy when I come, for the purpose of bribing officials. Apparently, things are not on the up-and-up in Ghana these days. These poor people.
        Being chosen as a "trustworthy foreign partner," comes as somewhat of a surprise, as I normally end a pay period eating  Kibbles and Bits and hitchhiking to work for lack of gasoline. But a good friend once told me, "When opportunity knocks, don't let it pass you by."
        As stated by the good widow Kobe, "I believe this will be a surprise, as we are both strangers, but if this letter may beat your imagination, as we have no previous correspondence, it is for mutual sharing between me and you." Once more, a little unclear, but you can see the sincerity in those words, can't you?

        Now, it may seem inappropriate to use my role at the newspaper to solicit funds, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and to be honest, the initial $11,000 needed from me is not in my grasp. If any readers wish to become part of this exciting adventure, by investing (pennies on the dollar-big picture), please contact this reporter in the next two weeks. 
        As Mr. Precious dito Igwel so eloquently stated, "Your contact was discretely sourced for among others with respect to your position as an international acclaimed personality, and we decided in your favour." Is that a sweet deal or what?

© 2002 Michael O'Brien, or his heirs.  (Mr. O'Brien disappeared during a recent visit to Africa.  Prior to that, he worked for the Tillamook Headlight Herald on the sports desk.)