About the only time the boys around here wash their pickups is when they marry their cousin. Billy’s vehicle of choice is a  ’39 International half ton.  He calls it the Chia Truck because of all the moss and clover growing in the rust holes in the fenders,  and it has a Western Red Leaf Alder tree that has taken root in the box, and which is now over nine feet tall and a favorite roost for Elmira’s father’s prize pullets. 

When he showed up for the wedding he had  hung some DC holiday light bulbs on that  tree.  The wiring to the battery is old, so every time he hit a rut, the roosting chickens clucked and the lights blinked just like a Christmas Tree.  You could think of it as a Peg’s Bottom multimedia presentation.  Bang, blink, cluck. Bang, blink, cluck.

(more on this story)

All competant scholars agree that renaming Wednesday Thursday in an attempt to bypass an impending invasion by viking raiders was the single dumbest act attributed to the reign of Ethelbert the Unready.  -- Plato Hamburger

March 02, 2001
Genetic Sausage

Delmar Hump of Rt. 2 Verboort, which is the sausage capitol of the world, is in the news as a result of  his genetic experiments.  He has, through gene manipulation techniques, managed to cut out the middle man in the process and now has the world’s first herd of grazing brautwurst. 

March 04, 2001
Peg's Bottom Girl Wins Logging Beauty Contest

Margaret Dusseldorfer of Rt. 1 Peg’s Bottom, has just been selected as the woman Oregon loggers would most like to clearcut.  She is a relative of  the actual Peg for which the town is named, and stacked like a brick outhouse with three doors. 

Her prize is a ticket to the 2004 Democratic National convention with the chainsaw of her choice and two jugs of two-cycle motor oil. 

The last week in March is a national holiday in Norway, so the loggers in Snooseville are celebrating.  It’s an ancient festival and marks the return of the lutefisk to the fiords.  They all cover their bodies with spangles, which they glue on , and run through the woods making fish sounds. 

Cranston Delaplank of Rt 1, Peg’s Bottom has received a cease and desist order from the District Court as a result of a suit filed by the Oregon Tourist Association. 

Cranston was born with an index finger that is ten inches long, and in the complaint it was brought out that he costs the state millions of lost tourist dollars every year while giving directions.

Every time he points toward an Oregon destination, because of that double length digit of his, the tourists drive twice as far as they should and  end up spending their vacation in California, surrounded by hippies.

March 23, 2001
Slug Heaven

Oregon, because it rains all the time, is the slug capitol of the universe, and has many varieties you can’t find elsewhere.  The Western Yellow Bellied Liberal Slug, for example, is the world’s only flying slug and is the reason  we use six inch thick glass in our windshields

In the vicinity of Peg's Bottom amateur biologists can at the right time of year collect the world’s largest and most useful slug,  Tyrannosaurus Slimus.  You can hook carts to them and go off road since, like Democrats,  they eat everything in front of them as they go.

The Peg's Bottom Gazette is collecting recipes as of this time, and by fall will release a book on classic formulas for making slug pie.

Ernest Hemingway was never observed wearing spandex
             -- Plato Hamburger