The problem originated during an evening session with Norwegians at the Snooseville Saloon.  Challenged to a lutefisk eating contest, Ole just tipped up the barrel of rock-salted rotten fish and chugged it all down.

It took two fifty gallon kegs of beer to keep him from dehydrating to the size of a pekinese, after that.  During the conversation following the event, one wag noticed that every time Ole exhaled, it ate the varnish off the bar.

The discussion then turned to the question of whether or not Ole could strip the paint from a pickup just by expectorating on it.

Delbert Nordquist had drove to the saloon in his 1946 Dodge half ton.  He had been thinking of spruicing it up since just before the Korean War, anyway, so all participants went out into the parking area to see if Ole could do it.

Still a bit dry from that 50 gallon barrel of rock-salted lutefish, Ole was fresh out of spit, so somebody held a stalk of goldenrod in front of his nose, and he sneezed the paint off the pickup in one fell swoop. 

Someone went and got four gallons of black lacquer and talked Ole into inhaling it all.  When they held up the goldenrod, again, he sneezed on four coats in as many minutes. 

Unfortunately, the thinner in the paint  collapsed his duodenum in four places when he passed gas during the effort.

According to the medical clinic staff, he will not be billed for the operation and after-care because they have been feeding him water-based paint and he has spat the entire ward in a lovely shade of green, thus saving the clinic a great deal of money.

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Wanted: 51 Hudson Terraplane rubber clutch pedal cover felt inside liner holding screw washer grommet seat flange bracket spacer shim sleeve.  Contact Clyde Foofaw 

Meeting Notice:

The Sisters of the Perambulating Orient Lodge, Peg's Bottom Coven #35, will hold their annual Fall turnip ice cream festival at the lodge hall above the feed store on the 24th of October at 7:00 P.M.  Entertainment will include a speech by an Oregon State University professor on induced retching methods to get hair balls out of the throats of buffalos that have been licking themselves.

He got the idea during a presentation of Beethoven's Violin Concerto Grosso at the Verboort Sausage Festival.

While listening to the exemplary music and eating a three foot long hot dog made from some of Verboort's finest former animal citizens, it came to Cordell that the violinist could not play and eat at the same time.

Having an inventive turn of mind, as all know, he bought another three foot hot dog and while eating in considered the problem.  That is when it hit him.

The answer was to make a Verboort sausage in the shape of a violin! 

Early prototypes, which he made by running over a sausage with his flatbed truck, then carving the shape were unsatisfactory.  Then the final solution came to him.

Working in tandem with the Verboort sausage company, he had them insert the sausage meat in through the slits in the violin body.  When the violin is used to play Flight of the Bumblebee, the strings heat up just to the right temperature to cure the meat perfectly.

After hanging in the smoke shed for two weeks, you have a musical instrument that is great with mustard and pickle relish, and the bow can be used to pick the chunks from between your teeth..

Science in Action
by Plato Hamburger, PhD, Hon.

Of all the questions science wants to answer, one of the most important is where Democrats originated. Anthropologists all agree that they are distantly related to the human species, but are from a different animal relative. 

Various factions supporting different theories have developed.

Some feel that a Democrat's tendency to spend other people's money indicates a genetic relationship with grain-stealing barn rats.

Others, pointing out the results of Democrat policies, which of course, is the complete povertization of all their special interest groups except lawyers, believe that the genetic trail leades to vultures.

Perhaps the most imaginative view of all holds that the original Democrat was the result of a cross between a slug and a trombone, because they're pure brass and stick to the walls. 
 

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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.