Famed local artist, Rufus Dufus, who lives in one of those apartments, decided to make a snow sculpture by just digging down to the pavement in a way that left a monument in the middle of a big hole in the snow.

The result was a frozen duplicate of Teddy Roosevelt reaching the top of San Juan Hill.  The night after it was finished, freezing rain fell, coating the snow statue with a hard surface which meteorologists said might keep the thing from melting before May.  But, when Delbert Pickelsimer came through with the town snow removal  machine, he chewed off half of San Juan Hill, affecting the overall balance of the artistic creation.

While Mr. Dufus was bringing buckets of snow to shore up the base, a gust of wind blew the statue over, and Teddy's frozen saber went through both of his buttocks, and had to be melted off the hilt with a propane hand torch from the hardware store before they could haul him off to the emergency ward.

Referring to the Dufus posterior as the "jaws of death," one of the EMTs angered the artist, who kicked him in the shins.  The movement of that leg caused the embedded ice saber to slice off fourteen inches of the artist's left cheek, which would have caused him to thereafter sit at a slant but for the fact that it was so cold that the Rufus cutlet was preserved and was able to be reattached by surgeons leaving nothing but a circular scar which looks like a bullseye.

The artist has cancelled his membership at the local nudist camp, as a result, because it is located adjacent to a bow hunting practice range, and some of the archers have insensitive ideas about what is funny..

Twisp Smithy Forges Self

Twisp -- Town blacksmith, Kilburn "Scotty" McTavish fell into a vat of molten lead on Thursday last while attempting to make a set of cast iron bag pipes.

Within seconds his sporan was history and his kilt aflame, but Scots have so much hair that they are protected from such events to a startling degree, and about the only negative result, beside the singed sporan, was the fact that when they hosed him off he looked like a six foot tall Mexican hairless dog with a tattoo of the Loch Ness Monster on his right rear thigh.

Peg's Bottom -- While judging the annual "If I were a vegetable" contest at the Peg's Bottom Elementary School, Filius Twang was startled to see a student dressed up as French dressing leap on another student who was in the costume of a head of lettuce.

A schoolmate of the lettuce, who was a four foot high crouton entered the fray, as did a bread stick.  Two side dishes of green beans, a boiled potato, a slice of rhubarb pie and a plate of stuffed artichokes soon joined in and Judge Twang was in a pickle.

The vegitative brawl stormed out the schoolhouse door, according to onlookers, and bloodthirsty cries from carrots could be heard blocks away.  Judge Twang dove into the middle and soon had them all apart except for an onion and a big head of red cabbage, which was the costume of the school's older third grader,  Sven Svenson, a logger from Snooseville who has been in that grade for thirty years, now.

Sven is six feet four and weighs two hundred and fifty pounds, and Filius Twang is five foot one and a hundred pounds dripping wet, but the judge had the salad fork.  He put an olive  pit on the tines and flipped it at Sven like David to Goliath.  The pit hit Sven dead center between his eyes and stuck there.  While Sven was trying to cross his eye to see what was embedded in the top of his nose, Twang hit him in the kneecaps with the school snow shovel and he went down like a Swedish stone.

The parents of three corn cobs have filed lawsuits and the rutabaga has a cast on his broken stem.  As a result of the difficulties, next year's agricultural event will be held in the school gym, and all vegetables will be required to wear crash helmets.

Lodge Meeting Announcement

The Sisters of the Perambulating Orient Lodge of Peg's Bottom will meet next at the hardware store.  The guest speaker will be Portland Mayor, Vera Katz, who developed the WD 40 school of politics. 

2003
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July   | August  | October  |  November   |  December 
2002
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June  | July | August  | September
October  | November  |  December
2001
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 August  |  November

This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.