Facing off were the Dufur Eggplants and the Snooseville Pumpkins.  This version of the classic sport is the only one in the world played with real squash, without a net and by players who are armed..

Last year, the Verboort Sausages played the Scio Kumquats, and since all of the first string players suffered flesh wounds before the end of the first quarter, neither team scored. Thus, the championship was left open. 

This year's game commenced with the firing of the Peg's Bottom town civil war cannon, which, having been filled with pop cans and other litter over time, blasted the scoreboard with a 50 pound lump of aluminum, short circuiting the scoring electronics, but generating better fireworks than we had on the 4th of July.

Great player enthusiasm greeted the kickoff because somebody drained the Gatorade barrel and refilled it with moonshine from Clyde Foofaw's still.  Being inebriated, none of the players noticed that the squash exploded when kicked, leaving a sticky orange mess on the kicker's foot.  Players on both teams ran together and hauled off and hit anybody handy.

The referee, who is the mayor of Dufur, called a team penalty on Snooseville and banned them from the rest of the game.  This allowed the Dufur offense to play against their own defense, which just stood there as the runner went by and scored.

The final tally was Dufur 5,330, Snooseville 0.

The Snooseville team coach has registered a complaint with the Lutefisk League officiating body, but since the president of that is the Dufur mayor's brother, it is not likely that the outcome will be changed.

On Thursday last, Clyde Foofaw's prize bull, awakened from dreaming about holstein cows, and in a confused state thought a passing VW microbus was flirting with him.

Running right through a four rail fence, he attempted to engage in a romantic liason with his vision.  The sight of the process so frightened the hippes driving the VW that they jumped out of the microbus, ran to the Peg's Bottom barber shop and all got haircuts.

Four of them turned out to be human beings and one was a rare ape from Tanganyika who had seen a Jane Fonda flick at a local African drive in movie, and, deciding he wanted to marry her, had hitchhiked all the way to Lodi, California before the hippies gave him a banana and a pair of Birkenstocks.

Meeting Notice:

The Sisters of the Perambulating Orient Lodge, Coven 666 of Twisp, will be visiting the local Peg's Bottom chapter on December 22.  All will be dressed as Tiny Tim in drag, and will give a performance of the stage version of The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes for the entertainment of all in attendance at this annual event. 

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Wanted: 51 Hudson Terraplane rubber clutch pedal cover felt inside liner holding screw washer grommet seat flange bracket spacer shim sleeve lock ring retainer.  Contact Clyde Foofaw 

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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.