An orphan who was raised to the age of ten at the Cleveland Convent of the Sisters of the Perambulating Orient, he was tall for his age and had a spangle fetish, and so left in the summer of 1953 to join a band of wandering transvestite dramatists as a maker of theatrical costumes. When the troop came to Peg's Bottom to give a production of Some Like it Hot, he used his savings to set up a tailor shop, and made this area his home.

At the Clyde Foofaw farm, he revealed, so to speak, his prototype  on Thursday last.  The panty spangles are metallic, so tremble when electrical current passes through them. But instead of batteries, power is provided by automobile jumper cables connected to Clyde's 50 foot tall windmill which turns a generator.  During the test run, a gust of wind cranked the blades up to 9,000 RPM, which generated 30,000 volts into the jumper cables.

His volunteer tester was Miss Blanche Prigg, the town schoolmarm, who is eighty-six and childless.  Medical examinations indicate that she has not ovulated as a result of the experiment, but shortly after the event she molested 15 Norwegian loggers in the parking lot of the Snooseville Saloon.

By popular demand, she has been selected as the next Viking Queen of the May, and will officiate during the annual Spring Snooseville Norway Days when the loggers cover themselves with sticky scales and run naked through the woods making fish sounds.

Dufur Town Council Outlaws Harmonicas

Dufur -- Following an attempt by residents of fourteen towns from the region to make it into the Guiness Book of World Records by gathering in the Dufur City Park and playing Camptown Racers on thirteen thousand harmonicas simultaneously, the Dufur town council, voting in freezing temperatures due to the broken city hall windows, made it a Class C felony to play that instrument within the town's jurisdiction. 

Peg's Bottom -- Following the annual Mountain Mushroom Mass of the Feast of the Assumption of Saint Hemingway of the Urals, the Right Reverend Portentious P. Praecox dined on the remaining fried forest fruits, washed down with a local beverage made from red potatoes, and which can be mistaken for cabernet sauvignon if you hold your nose and close your eyes when you drink it.

Shortly after dinner, passers by saw and heard Reverend Praecox preaching in tongues from the bell tower of his Church of the Moribund Disciple.

Witnesses reported that his wife, the lovely Dementia Praecox, ordered him to descend, and when he did not, put two loads of buckshot  from her Tanganyika Two Barrel shotgun -- once used by Hemingway, himself, to down a charging wombat -- into the bell clapper. 

The bouncing BBs in the bell set up such a clatter that he sprung from the tower to see what was the matter.  He bounced off the rectory roof and crashed through a vent into the vestibule, landing in a lettuce and mayonnaise souffle left over from the feast. 

Jumping up, he ran for the vestibule door, loudly explaining that he needed to find some bread and bacon so as to make himself into a BLT, but was stifled in the attempt when during his exit he ran into the oncoming butt of  his wife's shotgun. 

She is a righteous woman, and her faith gives her the strength of ten.  He went down like a poleaxed ox, and had to be carried into the rectory, where he was laid out on a table to sleep it off.

As this was the third year that the wrong mushrooms had made it into the celebratory banquet, the sheriff has insisted that next time a canned commercial variety must be utilized.

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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.