Winthrop Mandible, of Rt. 1, Peg's Bottom, is a veteran of four years service at Lackland Air Force base in Texas, and was awarded the silver cactus for drinking water from a hoofprint and being glad to get it.

After serving his country, Winthrop returned to this area to take up management of the family rutabaga farm which used to overlook the valley, but because of recent rainy winters has now slid down to just above Clyde Foofaw's farm which is located on the banks of the East Fork just south of the city limits.

The location change of his property has created problems for the post office, which must deliver to the geographic address on the letter, so Winthrop has been getting Maybelle Montague's mail for three years, now, and she has been getting his.

Maybelle's letters are mostly from the Gray Panther Victoria's Secret Shoppe in Portland, which consists of catalogues of scanty lingery for the elderly.  Winthrop receives primarily seed catalogues from the American Society for the Preservation of the Rutabaga.

This has resulted in Winthrop planting panties and Maybelle parading around in rutabaga seeds.  Of interest to horticulturalists is the fact that Maybelle's seed nightgowns won't sprout and Winthrop has an orchard that produces brassiere-shaped fruit.

While discussing this odd crop with Maybelle, Winthrop neglected to check the skyline for hostile agricultural predators, and became the fourteenth person to be attacked by a giant Oregon slug in the last twelve months.  It weighed over a ton and a half and was going maybe two miles an hour down hill.  The creature was heading  for Maybelle's seed nightgown, and would have left her publicly exposed, so Winthrop gallantly stepped between her and the slug and was slimed almost to death.

Doctors at the Rumsey Drive-through medical clinic used a bucket loader to remove most of the slime, but say that Winthrop will probably continue to stick to walls until late spring.

When later captured, the slug, a member of the order Gooeygantii Oregonis, completely filled Billy Bangtooth's half ton pickup and made the tires almost flat.

It was taken to a French restaurant in Portland, which is planning to sautee it in garlic butter to make a free feed for Portland's Gallic Homeless Intellectuals.

Twisp -- Fred Funk, 32, who has been in the fourth grade for a quarter of a century, now, finally achieved academic recognition in the recent school spelling bee.

As the evening competition began in the school gymnasium, the baskeball hoop broke loose and fell on the head of the principle, Miss Corliss Prunehoffer, and slid down and pinned her arms to her sides until the maintenance man could be called in to release her from the circular metallic object.

He first tried a crowbar, but Miss  Prunehoffer took umbrage at the symbolism, so he turned to a toilet plunger and putting a foot on each side of the hoop, with one big kasplork sucked her right through the netting.

The contest then began.  Most of the students were eliminated when they reached the two-letter-word level, but Funk held on until it was him and Norbert Odin, who is an affirmative action bus-in from Snooseville in an attempt to create a multicultural milieu in Twisp, which doesn't have any Norwegians living there because they run through the woods covered with fish scales and making fish sounds every spring, and get mistaken for aquatic sasquatches and are frequently shot as nuisances.

Norbert dropped off at the request to spell "dog," but Fred worked up his courage and tried "d-o-g."  He won the contest trophy, which is a dart board with a picture of Noah Webster as the target.

       classified advertisement
Wanted: 51 Hudson Terraplane rubber clutch pedal cover felt inside liner holding screw washer grommet seat flange bracket spacer shim sleeve lock ring retainer collar lubricant.  Contact Clyde Foofaw 

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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.