Due to the largeness of the members of a Norwegian community, if you don't come up with the proper  decision, you will turn up six months later in a container of rock salt, floating in a fiord, which is a kind of Norwegian bay.

When residents heard that the new circuit rider judge's first name was Sven, they installed a square porthole in the city hall, which is the saloon only with goverment-controlled prices on the beer during any legal proceeding. 

Contrary to common belief Norwegians do not object to being judged by a Swede because they believe they are intellectually superior to them.  A recent study by the University of Minnesota confirmed this belief by comparing the IQ's of a Norwegian attorney to that of a Swedish judge.

The Norwegian attorney has an IQ of 4, which is twice the IQ of a Swedish judge. And, this is with the answers provided for both of them.  If you take away the answers, both IQ's drop exactly by half. During simulated trials, the Norwegian attorney was able to intimidate the Swedish judge by changing from one to two syllable words.

The case which caused all this to become news was that of a logger named Eric who fell in the log pond and thought he was kissed by a large mouth bass.  Marine biologists say the bass was merely removing parasites from the skin of the submerged logger, but logic and reason is not always the finest tool with these people.

Eric, claiming that his virtue had been lost, demanded a marriage, and came before the judge with the bass in an aquariium.  The judge, who was formerly on the state supreme court of Massachusetts, if that's how you spell it, said, "Pi golly, dere kids will be able to outswim a tarpon.  Let's do it."

This event has established Oregon as the most liberal place in America, replacing the city of San Francisco, where they are much more conservative, and only marry animals of the same species.

Praecox Sees Ghost of Ernest Hemingway in Vestibule

Peg's Bottom -- During the recent blizzard, members of the Church of the Moribund Disciple, which recognizes Ernest Hemingway as a prophet, were unable to attend four Sunday services in a row.  The Right Reverend Portentious P. Praecox, in an attempt to see that the sacremental wine did not go bad, consumed fourteen quarts during this period while checking the flavor. 

It was on the fourth Sunday that he saw the ghost of Ernest Hemingway in the vestibule.  A church deacon who was present at the time said it looked like the Reverend's wife, the lovely Dementia Praecox, wearing a hunting vest, to him.

Church authorities from Idaho are investigating the incident. If ten of them agree it is a valid miracle, Reverent Praecox will receive a 10% discount certificate on a L.L. Bean elephant gun.

Peg's Bottom -- During his many years as the mechanic at the Peg's Bottom Richfield Station, many unusual challenges have crossed Sandusky Mandible's grease rack. 

In the early Fifties, according to older residents, he removed a Road Runner's head from the southernmost hood hole in a northbound Buick Roadmaster without scratching the chrome.

In the mid-Sixties he performed an emergency vanectomy on a spray-painted VW microbus and removed 53 hippies who had smuggled themselves over the border from California when they heard that welfare payments were 1% higher in Oregon.

In October of 1999, he invented the world's first bamboo gas pump hose, which allowed him to fill the fuel tanks on passing Arkansas eighteen wheelers full of bags of unsigned, sequentially numbered campaign donation money orders on their way to the White House.  He was selected to win the Riady Award for that one.

But, his latest exploit tops them all.

During the recent Pacific NW Formula One road race, due to illness, Spanish driver Manuel Fangio III's pit crew was short a man, and Sandusky Mandible was selected to fill the empty slot.

At a critical moment in the race, Fangio's carburetor jet got blocked.  Sandusky lept on the car as it passed the pits at two-hundred and fifty miles per hour, removed the hood with a church key and, taking a deep breath, put his mouth over the top of the carb and exhaled with all his might.

When all that hot air hit the venturi, it had a supercharger effect on the engine, adding six thousand rpm and a hundred and fifty foot pounds of torque.  This caused Fangio' vehicle to surge ahead just enough to win the race.

The only unfortunate aspect of the situation was that Sandusky's tongue was sucked down into the carburetor, becoming so long that he now frequently steps on it while pumping gas.  But a side benefit is that he is now George Lucas'  stand-in for Jar Jar Binks, and can taste test sixty-three new ice cream cone flavors simultaneously.

Town Meeting Log

During the February 28th meeting of the Peg's Bottom Executive Board, complaints brought by citizens included three reports of UFO sightings in the spraypaint can section of  the harware store.

Coriander Coelacanth was awarded fifty dollars (the balance on his deductible collision insurance) compensation for damage done to his new Yugo sedan when the town pavement roller ran over it.  The car will now be used as the town plaza. 
 

2004

January | February

2003
January | February  | March  | May | June 
July   | August  | October  |  November   |  December 
2002
January | February  | March  | April  | May
June  | July | August  | September
October  | November  |  December
2001
March  | April  | May  | June  | July
 August  |  November

This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.