This year's festivities included a new event, the aquatorial procession, which is a kind of Norwegian spawning event -- a gathering of the participants at a local stream where they entered the water and swam up the creek to the mill pond, and there did a symbolic swim dance which parrots the reproductive activities of nordic anadromous species like the Atlantic Salmon.

Apparently many species in Norway go upstream to recreate their breed.  Under the full March moon, swimming in the mill pond, observers noted loggers costumed as the Spiked-nose Ling, the Oslo Cod and the Odin Splay-tailed Trout, which has anti-freeze for blood and can be stuffed in an automobile radiator to keep the block from freezing. 

An advantage of this latter species is that when stuck in the snow, the owner of the car can heat the engine to operating temperature, then drain the radiator and drink the broth.  While not the actual soup served in Norwegian restaurants, which do not have the flavor of rubber radiator hoses, it is filling and will sustain life.

Also on the agenda was a beauty contest,  Miss Snooseville Sea Bass.  This was won by Miss Nordka Oofda, who astounded the judges by appearing in nothing but a fishing net.

The final event of the festival was the Lutefisk-eating contest.  Alvin Nyhus won that by swallowing a 50 gallon barrel of salted rotten fish in 14 minutes.  The belch that followed de-barked twenty raw logs next to the gang saw and melted the teeth off the saw blade, itself. 

During the March 28th meeting of the Peg's Bottom Executive Board, a report was read concerning the earlier decision to improve the Snooseville offramp, which is very sticky with lutefisk spills from fast food containers purchased at the saloon, by applying a thin coating of machine oil to the road surface. 

According to the inspector, a new approach is required since a log truck slid down the ramp, reaching a top speed of six hundred and forty mph, and subsequently shot down the main street of Peg's Bottom at exactly Mach 1.  The shock wave of sound blew out all the shop windows and turned the contents of the grocery store into a kind of giant fruit, meat and vegetable goulash which can only be eaten with a scoop shovel. 

There is a lawsuit pending from the incident, as Murial Dorfmeister, 80, of Dufur, was at the time approaching the Blue Hair Beauty Parlor on her grandson's skate board and was blown two miles south, into Clyde Foofaw's farm manure pile.

Peg's Bottom -- A recent letter from Le Pew, which is a town located in the frog-harvesting region of France, outlined the activities of a local resident who is visiting that country at this time.

A descendant of the Count du Torque, who invented the connecting rod, Francois Retard had long desired to see the ancestral castle of his forebears.  It is a giant stone auto shop with three hundred lube racks, and is said to be the last resting place of the man who designed the Citroen, which is a French automobile which looks like a short 1949 Hudson coupe whose back half has been stepped on by an elephant.

One of the earliest aerodynamic cars, it did not sell well outside France because the engine would only run on one particular type of wine that cost six thousand francs a gallon.  This was seen as profiteering by the designer, who owned the winery where the wine in question was made.

Another problem with the vehicle was that it would only operate on the wrong side of the road, and only go to French Indo-China, now known as Vietnam.  Following the French military defeat at Dienbenphu, the occupants of every Citroen that arrived were executed, so car dealers sales fell off.

Citizen Retard sent a photo of one of the castle lube racks with his letter.  The French design is odd, as well, since instead of lifting the vehicle so it can be greased, it spins it rapidly, which causes the hood, doors and trunk lid to fly off.  The reason for the adaptation is apparent when you consider that the Citroen does not have door or trunk handles, which would defeat the aerodynamic airflow characteristics.

The only way to enter these cars, assuming one wishes to go to Vietnam on the wrong side of the road, is via one of these spinning lube racks.  Since there are no inside door handles, either, and because the Vietnamese have scrapped all the spinning French lube racks which once existed in their country, one cannot leave the vehicle upon arrival.  As a result, the only people who now drive Citroens are those who didn't want to stay long in Vietnam, anyway.

The Retard family has purchased a Citroen to bring back, and is planning to use it as a centerpiece in their grape arbor.
 

2004
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2003
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2002
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2001
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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.