It all began, as so many failures do, at the Snooseville Saloon.  A Norwegian full of liquid enthusiasm was in a heated discussion with a Swede as to the relative qualities of their respective breeds.

"I tell ya," he said to the Swede, "that the reason why so many boats sink is because of the shape of your heads.  Portholes ain't no good to a Swede, no sir.  To take a look outside, a Swede needs a square window, so when he's on a normal boat and sticks hid head out, he busts the gasket on the porthole.  The waves come in and the boat goes down."

The Swede said, "The day Swedes ain't better sailors than the damn Norskies is the day pigs will fly."

That's when the inspiration happened.  Pigs without borders! Flocks of them migrating south in the fall.  Rental Pig blinds for shotgunners! Calabaster Thongtwanger, a lifelong duck hunter, cried "Eureka!" and ran out the door. The Norwegian and the Swede went to the door and looked after him.

"What's a Eureka?" asked the Swede. "By golly," said the Norwegian, "you got me on that one.  Maybe it's his wife's name and he fergot to pick her up at the grange."

But, that night in his barn, Calabaster Thongtwanger, who got a chemical set with a microscope for Christmas in 1953, combined the dna of a pig with the dna of a mallard, then put the egg under a tanning lamp.

Six weeks later, the egg hatched and he saw his new life form.  It was not a pig which could fly.  It was a duck with bad eyes, a snout instead of a beak, and a curly tail.

Making the best of a bad situation, he is now trying to develop a market for feathered bacon.

Twisp Explodes

Scio -- When the nearby town of Twisp exploded late in May, early reports surmised that it was due to terrorist activity.  Subsequent investation, however, has led authorities to credit the destruction of four blocks to bad zoning regulations.

Town growth patterns during the Nineties resulted in the construction of urban structures around the Bodenhammer dairy farm.  The explosion, as it turned out, was the result of two events. 

After milking thirty cows, Bubba Bodenhammer, as was his custom, lit a cigar.  He had been doing that for forty years without any unusual results.  But on that particular day, stattistical probability entered the picture, and all forty cows flatulated at exactly the same moment, creating a milking room gas concentration which when lit off by the cigar match, detonated with the equivalent energy of one point three megatons of TNT.

Confirmation for this analysis came from personal testimony when Mr. Bodenhammer finally landed on the roof of the Scio Texaco station four days after the main event.

Dufur --  After last month's inadvertant release of 90,000 gallons of water on his head during a speech, Mayor Huckleberry Bass of Dufur who did a double gainer with three twists when going over the Whatchacallit River falls caught a bad cold 

His sneezing kept the Mrs. Mayor Huckleberry Bass awake all night, so she sent him packing to the  Irrelevant Elephant B&B on the west end of Dufur, next to Tim Teufel's Tiny Trumpet factory.

That night, the B&B management wrapped his head with bath towells soaked in hot Vicks Vapor Rub, which cleared his head so much that he became delerious and remembered all the stupid things he had done as Mayor, which caused him to run out to the balcony to make a speech of apology to the citizens of Dufur.

Unfortunatly. he was on the second floor at the time, and the second floor rooms at the Irrelevant Elephant don't have balconies.  Mayor Bass ran right out into mid-air, then fell into a thicket of Himalayan blackberries where he went forward with the speech.  All that passers by heard was a series of muffled "ows" coming out of a cotton sphere of Vicks Vapor Rub sitcking up above the vines like a Himalayan monster blossom.

But the speech was, according to those who heard it, the first time Mayor Bass had said anything that anybody understood.  After frequent bursts of applause blended with  melodic salutes from one of Tim Teufel's tiny trumpets blown by the factory night watchman, Mayor 
Bass was dragged bleeding from the blackberry patch and carried down Dufer's main street on the shoulders of two men in his nightgown. 

Videotape of the event will be utilized in the TV commercials for his proposed campaign for the office of Oregon governor, according to the Mayor's political consultants.

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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.