During the OEA special test given to the children, they didn’t know who Camille Paglia was, had never read Ms. Magazine and thought Jane Fonda was a commie dork.  Following the exam, Miss Bastendagerdorfer, who is not the most patient and gentle of teachers,  pulled out her Colt's Dragoon, laid the barrel across the lecturn and held the OEA board at gunpoint while the kids gave them a test in Civics, English grammar, Latin, classic literature and math..

When asked who wrote the Declaration of Independence, the OEA examiners, all of whom have advanced teaching degrees, said Ozzie Osborn.  To the question, “What was the stamp act?” they responded, “A law which kept the post office from using a portrait of Karl Marx on postage."  When asked to name the three branches of government, they said, “Barney Frank’s basement, the congressional black caucus and Hollywood.”

The Latin test asked for the meaning of the word “pro.”  The OEA folks agreed it meant a sex worker.

When asked what the name of the greatest work of literature was, the examiners all agreed that it was “The Ten Secrets to Growing Hemp in Northern California.”

The math test the kids gave posed the following problem.  If two men buy a mule which can pull a plow over 40 acres in three days, how long will it take them to break ground on their two sixty acre farms?  The teachers said that the answer was that the farmers should be jailed for using an animal to till a field. 

When the kids asked them what size tractor should be then used to do the job, the teachers said that farm tractors use non-renewable petroleum products, and should be  banned.  When asked how people will eat, then, the OEA teachers said people could get food stamps, go to the market and buy some tofu.

Lastly, the children asked what were the two most important things a student should learn?  The OEA teachers said, “How to use a condom and where the welfare office is.”

At this point, the people of Dufur sent a letter to the Supreme Court, thanking it for allowing vouchers.

Jasper Wentwhistle of Rt. 2 Peg's Bottom, after an evening of celebration passed out under the front cylinder of the town pavement rolling machine. 

The next morning he was still asleep when Cordell Crankshaft started up the vehicle and began to head for his next pothold patching job. Fortunately for Jasper, the street on which he lay hadn't been repaired for decades and when the roller went over him, he broke through to one of the old sewer pipes first installed there early last century.

The sheriff investigated the situation after passers by reported a series of echo type sounds in the area, and located Jasper some six feet below the street wearing the best-pressed pair of pants anybody had ever seen. 

Wanted: 51 Hudson Terraplane rubber clutch pedal cover felt inside liner holding screw washer grommet seat flange bracket.  Contact Clyde Foofaw 

Something to think about
by Plato Hamburger, PhD, Hon.

Discussions concerning the Arabs these days indicate a lack of historic understanding of these people.  Arabs evolved from itinerant sand traders.  For thousands of years, they bagged sand and took it to the markets of the fertile crescent to swap for food.  It was, they said, the raw material for computer chips.  Not many people in the Fourth Century, B.C., however, owned computers, so sales were slow. 

But, one day in 1231, the Saudi sheik, Ahmed Al-Gazonker, came across a seepage pool of oil, and declared, "From this will come the Santa Monica freeway."

Nobody had any idea what he was talking about, so local law enforcement representatives cut off his lips and fed them to a crocodile. 

It is from this event that we get the phrase, "Don't give me no lip."

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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.