Oregon Magazine - The Peg's Bottom Gazette

Oregon Magazine
semi-proudly presents:

tHE Peg's Bottom GazetteTM "Serving Peg's Bottom, Snooseville and Dufur since 1849" Hon. Editor: Milford "Stanley" Poultroon

August 2002 (Online edition published monthly) Today's weather: Rain

Clyde Foofaw Lands Carp With Liberal Visage

A week ago, Tuesday, local farmer, Clyde Foofaw, hooked a record carp in his farm pond.
   Unquestionably the Mother of all Carp, the fish weighed in at 672 pounds, six ounces, and took a stinkbait on an 8-ought hook.
   “It was about seven in the evening,” said Foofaw. “I had just finished shoveling the manure out of the barn, and went down to the pond. I cast out to near the old tree stump some thirty feet offshore. The bobber went down right off and the battle was on.”
   Cordell Crankshaft, who runs the town pavement rolling machine, was visiting to sample that day’s vintage from Clyde’s still. He witnessed and assisted during the event.
   They suspected it was a big one right off because it knocked over the stump on its first run. After twenty minutes without gaining a foot of line back, they realized it was a record fish.
   Clyde was pulled into the pond on three occasions when the drag mechanism on the reel hung up, and was only saved from drowning when Cordell threw a loop of logging cable over him and hooked it to Clyde’s big diesel Case tractor and headed in the other direction.
   It was long about eleven that night, and with the battle still going on when Cordell had the idea to harness Clyde’s prize bull to the front of the tractor and the three of them, Clyde, the tractor and the bull, managed to overcome the giant carp and drag it up on the bank and onto Clyde’s calf manna bag scale and got its weight..
   “That was when the moon came up over Pumpkin Ridge,” said Mr. Crankshaft, “and we got a good look at that carp. It was six feet long and reminded me of Joe Lieberman.”
   Well, that scared Clyde’s bull so bad that he lunged forward and snapped his harness, which gave the advantage back to the carp, which flopped back into the pond. Clyde saw he was going to be drug in with the tractor, so he used his pocket knife to cut the line, and the carp got away.
    Some of the neighbors that had come over to watch the battle told the Gazette that from a distance that carp had reminded them of Dick Gephart.. One said that from the north side of the pond, it looked like James Carville.
   But, most of the locals agreed that being the mother of all carp, it should be named Hillary. The fishologists at Oregon State University gave it the title of Osama Yokohama, and it is registered with the Guinness Book of World Records as the only Sumo Terrorist Carp on the planet.
   Clyde, whose arms were stretched to an extra foot each in length by the prolonged battle, is now the second person in the area who can scratch his knees without bending over.

Genetically Modified Corn Attacks Reverend Praecox

In an attempt to develop a type of corn that can defend itself from predation by crows, local inventer Cranston Delaplank crossed a native American variety with a wolverine.

It grows low to the ground and snarls.

But, when the Reverend Portentious P. Praecox of the Church of the Moribund Disciple recently tried to roast a batch during the Feast of the Assumption of Ernest Hemingway, three ears jumped off the grille and bit off his vestments.

Cranston's next try, he says, will be a blend of sweet corn and genetic material from Hillary Clinton.

"That ought to scare off anything," said Cranston, "but its bark will be worse than it's bite."

Those who have been chewed out by Hillary say Cranston is heading in the wrong direction. A wolverine is a pussy cat compared to her.

classified advertisement

Wanted: 51 Hudson Terraplane rubber clutch pedal cover felt inside liner holding screw washer grommet seat flange bracket spacer. Contact Clyde Foofaw

Something to think about
by Plato Hamburger, PhD, Hon.

Solving problems.

I once asked the late comedian, Steve Allen, whose wife was born in China, why we can't understand anything they, the Chinese, are saying.

"It's because they're so far away," he replied.

Life constantly presents us with seemingly intractible difficulties that could be dealt with if we copied the process that resulted in the brilliant observation above.

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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.