It was, under the circumstances, a logical conclusion since being the world’s only cross-eyed catcher, when he plays for the Brothers of the Sisters of the Perambulating Orient Lodge softball team, he misses most of the incoming balls so he has two permanent black eyes, no front teeth and a nose best described as an “innie.”  He looks a great deal like a cross between Jabba the Hut and C3PO.

Well, he went shrieking out his driveway yelling about the valley being invaded by monsters, and .ran face first into the side of a passing tour bus full of feminists from Portland.  He hit so hard that he knocked everybody on the left side over to the right side, and all that new hair and muscle on one side put too much weight on the tires over there, which blew out.

That caused the bus to swerve to the right which feminist busses are not designed to do.  The tie rods broke and it went down into Seersucker Canyon, which has now been designated as a National Sasquatch Reserve since there is no way science has to tell the difference.  Both feminists and sasquatches are large, ugly, hairy, bad tempered and do not use underarm deodorant. 

Local folks now take visiting relatives to the Seersucker Canyon lookout.  Clyde Foofaw, has taken to collecting Rocky Mountain oysters from local cattle ranchers, and sells them for two bucks a lard can full.  When you throw them over the edge, the level of the growling increases a great deal and makes for the world’s only interactive nature preserve.

        classified advertisement
Wanted: 51 Hudson Terraplane rubber clutch pedal cover felt inside liner holding screw washer grommet seat flange bracket spacer shim.  Contact Clyde Foofaw 

The Reverend Portentious P. Praecox of the Church of the Moribund Disciple, was re-shingling the rectory roof when a flock of passing vultures decided he must be road kill on a down-hill slope.  Thirty of them dived at once to partake of his recent remains.  When he looked up and saw them coming, he thought it was Judgement Day, and he had missed the ticket to the correct destination. 

He scrambled for the cover of the bell tower and in the process got coldconked by the copper clapper.  His sermons ever since have been ringing ones, so to speak, and you can now tell the time when he tolls.

Doctors say the condition is one related to resonance generated in a skull that is lightly populated by grey matter, and should go away the next time he sneezes in the right key.

Science in Action
by Plato Hamburger, PhD, Hon.

Residents of Dufur and Twisp were recently treated to a speech and slide show by  Dr. Dan Fandango of Pumpkin Ridge who is recently returned from Outer Mongolia where he was a visiting professor of Entomology at the University of Yurt. 

An expert in the subclass of insects known as borers, he was studying the rare Smyrnoff Digger Bug, which drills holes in sheer rock faces, then crawls in head first, and performs its mating ritual.  It has evolved neon rear legs, and so attracts a mate by arranging them in such a way that when they flash, the effect is one of a reader board or beer sign that says “Bud on Tap.”
 

2002
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2001
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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.