During his August journey to Mbobo, near Mt. Kilamanjaro, Reverend Praecox awoke to the noise of a double barrelled shotgun.  His wife, the lovely Dementia Praecox, had found it in a gun cabinet in Hemingway's tent and had used it to bring down a foot long cicada that had been hovering over her bunk.

The noise frightened a nearby herd of elephants, which ran amok, squashing everything in sight, including a Land Rover full of bloody marys from Sam's bar in Paris. A large bull who was thirsty sucked up fourteen gallons of vodka and tomato juice through his nose, and being totally drunk within minutes, fell off the edge of the nearby Oomboolo Gorge.

The Reverend was instructed by local authorities to get the dead elephant out of there and dispose of it, so he hauled it up with the Land Rover's winch and had it shipped to a Portland, Oregon taxidermist.

When the reverend and his wife returned to Oregon, they discovered that the taxidermist had installed cabinet rollers on the feet so they could move it to dust under it. 

During the annual Autumn Festival, last week, they pushed it down the handicapped access ramp of the church and it got away from them and rolled over most of the floats then going down Main Street.

Thirty five local residents dressed as autumn foliage and riding on three of the floats were unable to untangle their branches and get out of the way of the charging beast.  They suffered various injuries, the most serious of which happened when the elephant's steel-enforced trunk swung around during a spin and knocked the mayor into the wire brush display at the hardware store.

According to the doctors at the Rumsey Drive-in Clinic, the mayor had three thousand, six hundred and thirty-eight puncture wounds in his buttocks, alone.

The mayor will finish his term standing up.

Last thursday, while pursuing a holstein, Clyde Foofaw's blue ribbon bull knocked over a local painter's truck and crushed ten one gallon cans  of house paint.

The holstein led him thence into the Peg's Bottom city park where the Oregon Art Association was holding an art event.  The holstein ducked behind a statue of Milford "Stanlley" Poultroon, a famous local literary figure from the last century, and while jumping from side to side trying to get at her, the bull's feet, each of which was dripping with a different color, accidentally created a pointillistic version of Van Gogh's Potato Eaters on  the concrete apron.

The bull received the top award in the competition, and will be shipped to Paris next spring to decorate the foyer of the Louvre, which is a French art museum, not a slit in a car hood.

Delbert Delaplank Wins Disputed Prize at County Fair 

Claiming that his giant watermelon was a blimp because it had a twenty passenger car attached to the bottom, and propellers, vegetable contestants at the county fair protested when Delbert Delaplank's cousin awarded him the blue ribbon.

Many of the same people complained last year when Delbert was the vegetable contest judge and gave the blue ribbon to his cousin's VW bug-sized lemon, which had headlights and a four speed transmission. 
 

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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.