Miss Magnum, who is a graduate of the ITT mail order technical college, won over fifty other applicants, including the GE Electric Boat Diviion, in part because her preliminary design doesn’t require an extension cord eight thousand miles long.  (That’s the key flaw with electric boats.  The extension cord.)

Miss Magnum’s boat, which is the world’s first feminist warship, will be driven by a revolutionary new methane engine.  You get a lot of gas from feminists.  The flight deck surface was inspired by Hillary Clinton’s attitude, and so will be formed out of material similar to boiled and starched rhinocerous hide, baked at a thousand degrees for two years.

As the ship will be manned only by feminists, the cost of showers has been eliminated, those facilities now consisting entirely of a Black and Decker belt sander using carborundum paper.

The one concession to femininity on board will be a beauty shoppe, but even this will be a wartime feminist facility in design.  The chairs will be replicas of Old Sparky from the Florida State Penitentiary Death Row, the hair dryers will be propane jet flame units and the permanent waves will be supplied by the Brillo Corporation.

The U.S.S. Butch will feature aircraft fitted not with computer guided rockets, but rather large speakers through which the pilots will nag the enemy to death.

Cooking Award

Carolyn Dorfam of Rt. 1 Peg's Bottom was awarded the Betty Crocker Kitchen Queen Award for her latest culinary creation, Moose Nose Pie.

Being of kind and gentle heart, she could not bring herself to execute an actual moose, so spent three months roaming the country roads looking for a usable road kill.

The breakthrough happened when Delbert Picklesimer drove off Pumpkin Ridge with a 3/4 ton pickup load of grits and, rounding a blind curve lost his brakes.  There, standing in the middle of the road about a half a mile down the hill was a full grown moose.

He hit it going about sixty miles an hour.  The collision did not damage the moose, which weighed twice as much as the GMC, but because the moose was looking in Delbert's direction at the time, made a three foot deep impression of antlers in his hood.

It was when he dumped a jar of radiator filler in the damaged cooling system that Carolyn was inspired to add that compound to steamed succotash and bake it in a bread dough shell.

It tastes awful but is perfect for folks who are a bit loose at the moment.

. Obituary Notice

Cratchet Dunleavy of Rt. 4, Peg's Bottom fell in a barrel of dried peppers on Wedneday and sneezed himself to death.  Being a veteran, he was buried with full military honors, including a firing squad, which accidently shot down a passing Piper Cub in the process.  The pilot bailed out over the cemetary and barely missed becoming skewered on a cenotaph.

Billy Bangtooth’s cousin, Bubba, of Rt. 3 Dufur, was run down by a British Racing Slug on Tuesday. Oregon, as we have often noted, because of all the rain, is the slug capitol of Earth. 

Bubba was walking across a field of eggplants when he heard the whistling – it’s the wind going past their antennas – and turned around just in time to see this beast, which is the world’s fastest slug, coming over a gentle rise not a hundred yards distant. He could feel the shock wave of compressed air in front of it just before it slammed into him, then the next thing he knew he came awake in Clyde Foofaw’s manure pile. 

Manure piles have a lot of give to them, which is probably what saved him. 

Many people believe this slug is an import, but it is not.  It got the name because it is dark green, looks like Prince Charles and can do close to seven hundred miles an hour downhill with a tailwind.  The scientific name for them is Slimus Supersonicus

Walt Whitman was a secret Freudian.  His "Leaves of Grass" was actually about hula skirts. -- Plato Hamburger

Norwegian National Anthem Tips Over Snooseville Saloon

Snooseville - July is a month of celebration in Norway because that is one of the two months of the year that their pipes aren't frozen. 

When the sun warms Oslo to the point that the whole city turns into a giant fountain because of all the broken plumbing, all Norwegians don their horned helmets and leave their homes to go pillage.

Since the beer thaws at that time of year, there is also a surge of imbibing, which when matched to the mood of the society, creates problems for northern Scotland and a number of Irish seacoast villages.

Unable to attack Gaelic towns, the local Norwegian loggers celebrate by drinking tubs of lutefisk beer and attacking anybody named O'Brian or McTavish, then return to the Snooseville Saloon and play the Norwegian National anthem, which is the only record on the juke box, anyway.

On the seventy-fifth replay of that ponderous symphonic work, during what is known as the "Fiord Crescendo," which to non-Norwegian ears sounds like a suitcase nuclear explosion in an accordian factory, the saloon roof fell in.  This removed the support from the walls, which then fell into the log pond and were unintentionally shoved up the log chute and cut into two by fours for the framing of new railroad cars which now smell like rotten fish somewhere in Ohio.

A temporary Saloon has been made by duct taping two mobile homes together and kicking out the center walls.  Construction on the new tavern will begin next week.

March issue of Peg's BottomGazette
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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.