For Centuries the Uptights had been forced to work in the sweatshops of the tyrant, making expensive Running Shoes, the design of which came to Prostate in a vision he had after falling into a vat of low-fat yak yogurt.   It was in the middle of June, 1937, that Ernest Hemingway discovered them while hunting Rhinos in the Urals. 

Since there aren’t any Rhinos in the Urals, he covered a lot of territory looking for one.  That is when he came upon the enslaved Uptights and, having left his glasses back in camp, mistook the tyrant, Prostate, for a Rhino and gave him both barrels.  Then, he ordered his bearers to take the carcass to a taxidermist.  The Stuffed Tyrant is now on display next to a chainsaw-carved bear out in front of a Ketchum Idaho service station.

The Right Reverend Portentious P. Praecox uses the traditional ceremonial procedure each year, closing the week of celebration  with a re-enactment of the central event.  He covers himself with low-fat yak yogurt, and his wife, the lovely Dementia, wearing a hunting jacket and a pith helmet, gives him both barrels in the vestibule.

That is a sight no man should miss.
 

Space Creature Visits Snooseville Saloon

A large alien creature entered the  Snooseville saloon  Monday night.  It had bright blue skin and kept saying , “Is this the America?” according to reports.   Photos taken in the bar show a creature about six feet tall, wearing a pale blue J.C. Penney blazer with darker fleur di lis.  It has a vacuum cleaner nozzle in its fist and seems to be saying the word “Yastrovna!” 

It disappeared into the night, but noises have since been heard from the MIR  space station segment that landed on Clyde Foofaw’s prize bull and stuck to his horns.   Speculation has it that the unit wasn’t empty when they dropped it into the atmosphere.  This being could be a Russian journalist who wrote a story critical of Putin.

Delaplank Disappears in Sky

Cranston Delaplank, of Rt. 1 Peg’s Bottom , a fan of Area 51, attempted to launch a Buick Roadmaster into orbit last Friday.. 

He had, apparently been saving rubber bands since 1954 when he purchased the car.  He knotted them all together into an elastic cord forty-three miles long.  Then he tied one end to the Grange Hall on top of Pumpkin Ridge, and hooked the other end to the bumper of his ’54 three-holer, and backed up at full speed all the way to Dufur. 

When he let up on the gas pedal and put the Buick into neutral it shot forward, through Dufur, Drain, Verboort and Peg’s Bottom, then straight up the side of Pumpkin Ridge.  Cresting the top, it traversed an arc that did not come to Earth in sight of anyone from these parts. His family is requesting all people located on the 45th parrallel check out  the license plates on any Buicks that pass overhead, just in case it’s Cranston. 

Caveat Emptor, of  Rt. 6,  Peg’s Bottom, was for years in charge of this portion of the festivities until he got a discount deal on a batch of North Korean skyrockets which turned out to be ICBMs from their secret missle program, and when fueled up, just fired off all by themselves and landed on  a Japanese sushi bar in Portland, instantly cooking every fish in the place. 

The restaurant lost all its customers and went out of business. 

Mitsubishi, which was the money behind the restaurant, hired a professional killer, whose nickname is Tony the Tuna, to take Caveat out, but during the  midnight attack on Caveat at the Snooseville Saloon, the assassin, who was wearing a spangled  tuxedo once owned by Liberace as a disguise, was mistaken for  a giant undecomposed Sicilian ninja Lutefisk by a Norwegian logger and stuffed into a barrel of rock salt  for later consumption. 

When the mistake was discovered, and he was let out of the barrel, the salt had dehydrated him to the point to where he was the only two foot tall Mafia hitman on Earth and he now makes his living as a specialist who leaps out from behind Labrador Retrievers and kneecaps his targets with dual ball peen hammers.

Caveat is laying low for a while, so his son, Wilberforce, was supposed to be our new explosives expert.  But on Tuesday he lit a match to see how much gas was in his lawnmower tank and was last reported at sixteen thousand feet in the LAX approach grid

Sports:
Champion Bike Racer Succeeds With Help of Electronic Ignition

Melba Toast  of Route 2,  Dufur, is a long time bike racer.  She wore out her real knee joints during thousands of miles of athletic practice, and had to have stainless steel replacement joints put in..  Up till now, all the work was for nothing, as her best finish has been  last place.  But, this spring, she put the Jacob’s Electronic ignition on her ten speed bike. 

Attaching it to the bottom of the seat, she then connected the spark plug leads to the kneecaps of her new chain mail spandex racing uniform..  When it fires, she can get that thing up to forty miles an hour, which is how she just won the Tour De Snooseville. 

Unfortunately, when she got off to take the victory cup, her legs got close enough together to complete a circuit between her knee joints  which when that Jacob’s ignition fired were welded together.  She has to hop everywhere she goes, now, but says that every athletic victory requires some personal sacrifice.

Obituary Notice

Dorene Balluster, of Rt. 2 Dufur raised orphaned cougars and had three of them on her place.  When she ran out of Purina Cougar Chow on Tuesday, they ate her.

March issue of Peg's BottomGazette
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May issue of Peg's Bottom Gazette
June issue of Peg's Bottom Gazette