If you've ever had to miss a good friend's wedding to accommodate your significant other's inability to miss a week-six college football game on TV, between two Big-Ten teams who play 2,000 miles from where you live— lend me your ear.  

   If your fondest desire is to have the annual family vacation not include five or six days of baseball and hotdogs at Safeco Field in Seattle — grab your checkbook.  If the sign-on home page on your home computer takes you directly to NFL.com and your monthly cable bill includes something called "Season Ticket" that starts at $145, and climbs higher as the football season progresses — opportunity knocks.  If Dad's daily garb is a Packer jersey and a Beaver cap that appears to have been rescued from the lion's cage at the zoo, and his golf clubs in the trunk get more use than his briefcase — saddle up.  And if those golf clubs suddenly need replacing, before they're a year old, to the tune of $1,500 from the household budget — help is on the way. 

   The Sports Addicts Recovery Kit, marketed by Sportline, a Pacific Grove, Calif., Company, hit the market last November. The kit was developed by an allegedly former sports addict, Ron Curry. It includes a self-adhesive patch, a hand book with testimonials from people who have "made it" through the program, a CD-Rom for PC and Macintosh, plus a special bonus
supplement develped especially for golf fanatics. Golf, it seems, has a discouraging recidivism/relapse rate. Go figure.

   Assumedly, the patch will suddenly allow lawn mowers and garden tools to posess more allure than a remote-control on the weekends. Family members will no longer be subjected to filibusters, regarding how Bob Whitsett has ruined the Portland Trail Blazers, at every Thanksgiving meal. That significant other will be able to pass bowling alleys or golf courses, without getting diverted, on their way to pick up your mother and take her to the beauty salon. Meals will move back to the dining table and away from those wobbly TV trays. In time, you may even gravitate toward some culture being replaced in your life, be able to watch a PBS special on tide pools on a
Sunday afternoon.  

   What's in these patches? Chloroform? Sodium pentathol? I don't wish to seem untoward, but I know guys that would need to be duct-taped from head to toe with whatever medicine Curry has developed, before being lured away from a lacrosse event on ESPN, at 4:30 a.m. on a weeknight.  Curry and his San Francisco based product development team, Jupiter Group, make no medical guarantees. "Obviously, we're not doctors (they just play them in prison musicals), but, the placebo effect can not be completely ruled out, should anyone take us seriously." Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but anything is worth a try, once an addict's life has become unmanageable.
   And, like any 12-step recovery program, or kick-the-habit commitment, the first step is getting someone to admit they have a problem. This can be dicey when you're dealing with someone whose diet consists of Little Smokies, chips, popcorn and malt beverages from Friday at 5 p.m to
the wee hours of Monday morning. 

   If that special person in your life has bruised hips from going through stadium turnstiles or more than three arena ink-stamps on their hand at any given time, the patch may be worth a desperate stab. If they've bought a holster that fits on their belt, to assure control of the TV remote, and
cannot function in the morning until they've memorized the newspaper box scores, my personal suggestion would be something stronger. Perhaps a barrel of Prozac and a ball-peen hammer. But, if that sports addict wants to change, and you don't want to move to a hut without electricity to implement that change, The Sports Addict's Recovery Kit, complete with a patch, may be just what's needed to get started. 

   As the patch begins to work its suggested magic, other efforts must surely be made. This is a serious addiction. Slowly begin removing the NASCAR and Bart Starr posters from the living room, one at a time. Hide the car keys on Friday football nights. Take Bruno's Sports Bar off the speed dial. Suggest long drives in the country on the weekends. Ask for help. See if the local golf pro will deem the course "full" each time a starting-time is requested. At least for awhile. Be prepared to spend some money on bribes. 
   Start as soon as possible. Just stick that patch right on. Right after the Western Kentucky/Ball State basketball game that's on the TV right now. Before NHL Tonight comes on. Sure, that'll do it.

Michael O’Brien is the sports editor at the Headlight-Herald, and a contributing editor to Oregon Magazine.

© 2002  Tillamook Headlight Herald    Reprinted by permission